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When is the right time to end it? When is the right time to dive back into the dating world? Why should you give yourself permission to be an adult, not for them, but for you?
In this podcast episode, Melissa Vogel speaks with Dr. Susan Orenstein about dating, divorce, marriage, and sex – part 2!
Meet Dr. Susan Orenstein
Dr. Susan Orenstein is a licensed psychologist and relationship expert with over twenty years of experience. In 2005, she founded Orenstein Solutions, a private counseling practice in North Carolina that serves children, teens, adults, and couples. Susan created the After the First Marriage Podcast to support individuals through the significant life transition of divorce. She whole-heartedly believes that “happily ever after” is an option for everyone, and is dedicated to helping divorcées regain the confidence to pursue a fulfilling future after the first marriage. She’s been featured in the media with articles in the Washington Post, USA Today, The New York Times, and Real Simple Magazine.
Visit her website and connect on Facebook, Instagram, and Twitter.
Listen to Susan’s podcast here.
Get in touch via email at susan@orensteinsoutions.com
In This Podcast
Summary
- Should I stay or should I go?
- Give yourself permission to be an adult
- How to make sure you don’t start dating the same person again
- When do I start dating again?
Should I stay or should I go?
I really encourage people to look for change. If they haven’t tried couples counseling and their partner is open to that then I am a big advocate for that because you really don’t have that much to lose. (Susan Orenstein)
If a relationship is strained and a couple wants to strengthen it, that urge to rebuild and uplift the relationship must come from both people.
It is not possible for one person to save the relationship while the other is ambivalent, or not interested.
One person can’t do it alone, however, what one person does have some control over is to in a friendly way invite [their] partner to the process. (Susan Orenstein)
If your partner is unsure about couples therapy, you can appeal to them in a friendly way and express that you want to work to strengthen the relationship, become closer to them, and improve your communication through this counseling together.
By becoming aggressive or accusatory, it becomes more unlikely that someone would want to go to therapy, therefore, what one person can do is present the couples counseling in a beneficial way to their partner. But, if even still then there is no urge to go from them, and they do not have a desire to work on the relationship, that could be your answer.
Give yourself permission to be an adult
What I’m hearing is you’re feeling empowered to give yourself permission to make decisions and trust yourself. (Susan Orenstein)
Many women second guess themselves, their thoughts, and their gut instincts. Even if you are well into your adult years, you can still have moments where you are not acting like an adult and where you can choose to make the adult choice.
You know what you need, you know what you want, and you can take conscious steps and intentional action to create the life that you want for yourself.
How to make sure you don’t start dating the same person again
We tend to repeat the same patterns until we learn the lesson behind them. Sometimes we unconsciously repeat things because we need to learn to recognize what the red flags are, or why we behave in certain ways within a certain relationship dynamic.
Most commonly, the recurrent issues that people have in new relationships are that their attachment styles differ, and one must learn how to have teamwork, how and when to approach each other, or when to have distance in order to have a flow of understanding and respect.
People are differently matched, and even couples with different attachment styles can make it work if they are able to openly talk about their needs and meet each other halfway because having a plan around the differences makes people feel emotionally secure.
Spending time on yourself to understand how your emotional needs work and what they look like will give you incredible insight into how you react in relationships.
Spend time with your partner and figure this out together to iron out any kinks and practice awareness of patterns, because that is how you break the cycle.
When do I start dating again?
There are multiple times when it could be the right time, but the wrong time is when you are still working on your past relationship or marriage in any way, shape, or form, even if you are in the process of divorcing.
This turns out poorly because it becomes complicated if you are dating other people to see whether or not you want to actually divorce your ex-partner because it is not fair to those other people.
It muddies the water unnecessarily and therefore it’s generally better to wait until the previous relationship has settled and ended officially before diving into the dating world again.
Useful Links:
- Dating, Divorce, Marriage, and Sex with Dr. Susan Orenstein: Part 1 of 2 | BM 55
- BTBFM FREE EMAIL COURSE
- Sign up for Busy to Bomb Fit Mom
- Connect with Melissa on Facebook and Instagram
- Email Melissa: info@melissavogelfitness.com
Meet Melissa Vogel
Melissa Vogel is an energetic keynote speaker, business owner, certified personal trainer, certified group fitness instructor, 1st degree Black Belt in Tae Kwon Do, a mother of three, and a podcaster.
Melissa has been voted as the Best Personal Trainer for 2020 by Inland Empire Magazine, and Built the Busy to Bomb Fit Mom exercise system.
She is quickly becoming recognized for her expertise and influence in her field!
Melissa has contributed to numerous publications and has been featured in the Trail Blazer Magazine, and published in the April 2020 edition of Health Magazine. Her approach incorporates personal experience, energy, humor, and charisma.
Thanks for listening!
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