[MELISSA]: The Bomb Mom podcast is part of the Practice of the Practice Podcast Network, a family of podcasts, that are making the world better. You’ll also probably like the Imperfect Thriving podcast, Beta Male Revolution, and Empowered and Unapologetic podcast. Check them out at www.practiceofthepractice.com/network. Hey, what’s up everyone? If you’re looking to be inspired, motivated, educated, and entertained, you have come to the right place. Welcome to the Bomb Mom podcast, the podcast where we explore your fitness, life mindsets, and actions that help you become unstoppable. You’re worth it and it’s time to finally make changes in your life that will last you the rest of your life. Hey, everyone, wanted to give a proper introduction to this amazing episode we have today with author Derek Stone. He wrote the book Why Should I Forgive?, and he dives into his past and his childhood and a lot of the pain and hurt that he experienced and has come from, and just into growing this amazing construction business, and writing this book for all of us to learn and grow from. It is just phenomenal. I cannot wait for all of you to hear this episode and to get your hands on his book Why Should I Forgive? So, sit back and relax. Enjoy this episode and learn all about forgiveness, gratitude, and how to push past what is holding you back and learn how to forgive. And most importantly, you’re going to learn how forgiveness is for you, it’s not for them. Enjoy the show. Welcome back to the Bomb Mom podcast. I’m Melissa Vogel, your host, and we have the most incredible guest today. Mr. Derek Stone say hello to our audience. [DEREK]: What’s up guys? [MELISSA]: I was warning him of my energy before we started, I was like, “just to warn you…” [DEREK]: No worries. [MELISSA]: I can be all over the place but, you guys, you know I only bring the best of the best to this show, this podcast. Derek is an author, you’re a singer, you’re a husband, you’re a father. What else? What else did I miss? [DEREK]: A general contractor. [MELISSA]: A general contractor. That’s hot! [DEREK]: That’s awesome. [MELISSA]: I like it. Throw it in there. What else you got for me? [DEREK]: That’s right, that’s right. [MELISSA]: No, that’s perfect, I like it. But what we’re really gonna talk about today is Derek’s book called… Why don’t you say it? You have the honor to saying it. [DEREK]: Why Should I Forgive? [MELISSA]: Why Should I Forgive? Oh my god, it almost gives me chills just saying the title and, like, hearing it because, man, forgiveness. Ooh, that’s a word. I think it means many things to many different people, and people don’t like the word a lot. [DEREK]: Right? [MELISSA]: But it’s so necessary. Absolutely necessary. [DEREK]: For sure. [MELISSA]: Tell us, okay, give us first a real brief overlook of the of the book like, what’s this book about? 10 seconds. Go. No, I’m kidding. [DEREK]: Sure. Well, I was like, I was gonna spit it out to you for real. What’s really cool about the front cover too, as I put a calloused heart on the front, so it kind of looks hardened. And then there’s pieces of it peeling off and underneath it shows the red like it’s being made new. And the pieces that are flying off say “anger”, and “resentment”, and “bitterness” and, you know, it’s kind of like, in your forgiveness journey, that’s kind of what symbolizes, in my heart and in my mind, what happened with me is that, you know, those pieces were taken off and I was made new. And so, so yeah, that’s one of the real cool things about that, the front cover of it. [MELISSA]: Did you design that? [DEREK]: With a friend of mine, yeah. He was like, “you know how I do better when you’re, like, right beside me and you’re just kind of coaching me through it”. I’m like, “alright, cool”. So, we found a heart on the internet, paid for it, and then started messing with it. And yeah, so we designed it kind of together. [MELISSA]: Do you have this as a tattoo on your body? [DEREK]: No, I do not. [MELISSA]: You should. [DEREK]: I don’t cause any unnecessary pain. [MELISSA]: That’s funny. I have, like, one tiny little – which is kind of crazy – a little heart on my wrist. And that’s all I have. It’s green. [DEREK]: And I bet it hurt like Hades. [MELISSA]: You know, only when they hit, like, that bone on your wrist. Do you not have any tattoos at all? [DEREK]: I do not. [MELISSA]: Oh my god. So, I’m in California and I live in a county called the Inland Empire, like, the I.E. yo, yeah. And everyone here is tatted. Everyone. So, to be able to talk to someone who’s like, “no, I don’t have any tattoos either”, like, that’s huge. But it’s funny, the tattoo on my wrist I just got, oh my god, like, a year ago, and it was like, a really big deal. It’s so small, it’s ridiculous. I’ll text you a picture later. [DEREK]: Awesome. [MELISSA]: But it symbolizes to remind me to always come from a place of love and forgiveness. [DEREK]: Beautiful. That’s beautiful. [MELISSA]: So, when I was, like, reading about you and learning more and more about your journey and stuff, I was like, “Yes, this man needs to come on our show.” [DEREK]: Sweet. Well, thanks for having me. [MELISSA]: Yeah, I’m so excited. So, tell us a little bit about your background and where you came from, because I’m sure many of our listeners are like, frantically Googling your name right now, like, “Derek Stone, okay. But who is he? Where’d he come from? What’s his background?” Like, give us more. So, save them the anxiety while they’re driving and not looking at their phone… Tell us a little bit about your background and where you came from. [DEREK]: Sure. I grew up in Austin, while I grew up in Mobile, Alabama and off a place called, it’s like one main road, called Dauphin Island Parkway and we abbreviate it, kinda like you just said, like, D.I.P. what what? So, it was in the hood. And so, I lived there for 10 years, that’s where I grew up. And my mom moved us out – she got divorced, when I was five, from my dad – and she kind of bounced around for about three years, until she settled down, and we ended up finding a place of our own, ended up being a section eight neighborhood, government neighborhood. [MELISSA]: Oh, geez. [DEREK]: And so, I have a twin brother, an older sister, and an older brother, we all moved in and everything like that. So, we lived there until I was going into my 11th grade/year of high school. My mom had got divorced from a man she was married to, that had sexually abused me, and we went from there to this small town, Tupelo, Mississippi, it was Baldwin, Mississippi which was actually 20 minutes north of Tupelo, which is where 75% of the United States furniture was made at one point. [MELISSA]: Really? [DEREK]: Yeah. Lived there, met my wife there, got married to her. We stayed there for a couple more years then we moved to Nashville in 2010 and been there ever since. [MELISSA]: And that’s where you’re currently at now. [DEREK]: Yes, ma’am. [MELISSA]: Yes. He called me Ma’am. [DEREK]: I’m sorry, I’m Southern. Sorry. [MELISSA]: He called me ma’am. So, growing up with your mom bouncing around and – I have four other siblings. I’m right in the middle with the siblings – and then sexual abuse, I’m sure there’s probably other abuse, probably other things going on, like… [DEREK]: Yeah, I was introduced to porn at seven years old. [MELISSA]: Oh, my God. [DEREK]: And then, you know, marijuana not too much further off that, down the road, maybe nine or ten. And so, yeah. [MELISSA]: From your stepfather? [DEREK]: From my stepfather. Yep. [MELISSA]: Oh my God. [DEREK]: And so, what was crazy is, you know, my mom… it’s up in the air whether or not she knew this was going on, but you know, she, later, when we were in eighth grade living with my dad, she acted like she did not know and was heartbroken, the fact that we moved because we were being abused. And we moved to get away from him. So that was just kind of where, you know, she finally was aware of it and then made some live changes to get him out of the house and made sure she got divorced, and then she stayed single for about three years and then met a guy and that’s what caused the move to Tupelo. [MELISSA]: Oh, gotcha, gotcha. But you did go and live with your dad? [DEREK]: Yeah, for one year. Yep. [MELISSA]: And what was that like? [DEREK]: It was different, because my mom worked three different jobs to keep the lights on and keep food on the table. And, you know, we were used to this come-and-go-as-you-please kind of lifestyle, because nobody was ever home. [MELISSA]: Right. [DEREK]: My house was kind of, like, the hangout house. Like, there was always five or ten people just hanging out at the house, you know, and they were all really good people, you know, good friends, not like a crack house or anything like that. So, it was a really good bunch of people. But it was different from there, because it was more straight, more regimented, and we always had to tell him where we were going and that kind of thing, like, even if it was riding down the road on a bike, which is okay, you know, I think he was trying to protect us in that regard. But then he got married while we were living there and he sold his house and then moved us on to this eight acres, and I loved it there and I had a blast, but my twin brother just didn’t like the regimented regime, and he could not stand my stepsister at all. They got in screaming matched all the time. [MELISSA]: The new wife’s daughter? [DEREK]: The new wife’s daughter, yeah, because she was a couple years older than we were. So, it was just… she was driving, a lot of the times she ended up driving us to school and it just like, freaked my brother out, her driving did, he was just like “I’m not trying to die”. [MELISSA]: Right. [DEREK]: He was always late, kind of deal. But what’s really hard about that story is when my brother really convinced my mom that we were being like, you know, tortured or whatever, when it really wasn’t that situation, but my mom said, you’re not going back. When my brother told my dad that he wanted to go back, my dad pulled me to the side and he says, “Hey, promise me you’re going to come back.” And I made that promise. And in my head, I was completely coming back, and I was going to keep my promise. But my mom had other plans. She just wouldn’t let me come back. So ever since then, that’s what kind of caused the rift between us and my dad, really. [MELISSA]: How old were you then? [DEREK]: I was going into ninth grade, whatever age that is – oh, my son’s going to ninth grade – fourteen. [MELISSA]: For I say 14. I have a 14-year-old, too. [DEREK]: Yeah, yeah. [MELISSA]: And that’s a tough age. So, I couldn’t imagine swapping parents, swapping homes again, you know, at that age, and going through that. And it sounds like you finally had, like, some structure, you know? [DEREK]: Yeah, for sure. And that’s why it was so different. You know, and I think that’s why my brother didn’t like it. He liked the non-structure, yeah, you know, kind of deal. [MELISSA]: Well, what, what 14-year-old wouldn’t? [DEREK]: Absolutely. [MELISSA]: I mean, come on now. [DEREK]: No cell phones, no pagers at this time. I mean, none of that was going on, you know, yet. [MELISSA]: No. So you moved back with mom. And then, was she married again at this time? [DEREK]: No, she was single until ninth or tenth grade, she was single. And then she met this guy at one of her jobs. And, you know, just kind of, he promised her the moon and, it was kind of funny, she would go out of town for the weekend and, man, the first time we kind of checked it out and make sure she wasn’t going to come back. Well, the second time she did it, I passed around the word around school “Hey, y’all, party at my house, party at my house” and I had no idea… So, the first one was like 35 – it’s totally terrible, me saying this – there was about 35 people at this party, well then the second one, there was 80 something people at my house, and it’s a little bit ridiculous. Oh, but to this day, we went down to (inaudible) like 12 years later, and I had my wife and my two boys with me, and I go to this restaurant in the middle of nowhere, this girl that was at that party, she goes, “Oh my gosh, Derek Stone!” and she turned around and she gave me a big ol’ hug. I was like, “what’s up, girl” and then she turned around to my wife, “This guy knows how to throw a party.” I was like, this is terrible. [MELISSA]: Oh my God. [DEREK]: My boys are listening. This is terrible. You know? [MELISSA]: You’re like, “this was so long ago, so long ago.” [DEREK]: Absolutely. Absolutely. I thought it was hilarious. She thought it was funny because I’d told her those stories, so she thought it was hilarious that somebody could witness, she didn’t know whether or not to believe me or not, but like, this is a true story. [DEREK]: Oh my God, that’s hilarious. I love it. I love it. So, you ended up going to college, correct? [DEREK]: Yep. [DEREK]: You got a degree in business marketing and management. [DEREK]: Yeah, my wife pushed me to go get that done. I would never have went to college if it weren’t for her pushing me to go [MELISSA]: Ah, really? [DEREK]: I guess she didn’t want to marry a bum. [MELISSA]: Well, you know, us women, we don’t like bums. [DEREK]: That’s right. So, she pushed me and I’m grateful. I mean, I’m grateful for it for sure. [MELISSA]: Good, and you are a musician as well? [DEREK]: Yep. I gave that 16 years of my life and, you know, just, a lot of heartbreak in that, a lot of heartache in that. [MELISSA]: What does that mean, you gave 16 years of your life? Like, were you actively out? [DEREK]: Actively touring, yeah. Writing, recording. You can ask my wife, and this is one of the reasons why she can’t stand, like, the music industry. For me, like, if I go to like, hang around and write in a song or something she gets kind of guarded. And that’s really my fault. But yeah, like, I would cancel family events. I didn’t go to my kid’s first birthday, my oldest son, I was touring, you know, I’d come home off the road, literally take a shower and put on a Chick-Fil-A uniform and go to Chick-Fil-A and work a night shift. If I just show up and be like, “Hey, who wants to go home?” and somebody would leave, and I’d work their shift for him. And so, yeah, it was that, and then moving here, you know, it almost cost me everything moving here and, you know, because we moved here to be closer to the music industry, and it almost cost me everything. And I said, “what is going for me right now in life?” And the only thing that was going for me was my family, and I was like, you know what, I’m gonna keep this together. And so, we moved back to Baldwin – or Tupelo, that area – for about five months. My wife went back to work, she got a job at a Gymboree clothing store. My wife’s very by-the-book, she wanted to be a lawyer, she’s an English major. And so, she did a biblical survey, and the character that she got paired with was Samson. [MELISSA]: Oh my God. That’s funny. [DEREK]: Yeah, it’s so funny. So, that was kind of her deal. She went back to work and she got tired of working for the manager who wasn’t running the store by the book, and she goes, “You know what, I’m gonna find my own store”. So, she looked and looked and, there was two stores available in Nashville, and we applied, and the regional manager knew who she was, and said, “Absolutely, you better grab this, girl”. And so, they gave us the job, and that allowed us to move back permanently to Nashville. So yeah. Been here ever since. [MELISSA]: Very cool. [DEREK]: Yeah. [MELISSA]: Wow. And then, construction is in your… [DEREK]: … forte. Yes, yes. And that was the thing that made me get out of the music business. I was just tired of starving and being a starving musician. And yeah, construction. I started under a general contractor and I said, “Hey, you know, I know how to do a bunch of stuff. But if I don’t know how to do it, I’ll tell you.” And he goes, “Alright, well, you know how to do this?” And I would say “No”, he’d say “Sorry, let me show you.” And that just happened over and over again, and another guy found out about me and he goes, that guy was paying me 15 bucks an hour, more money than I’ve ever made before. And so, I left Chick-Fil-A at like 12.50 an hour, and I was Certified Grand Opening Trainer leaving that, you know. So then, I went from there, another contractor heard about me and he goes, “Hey, dude, I’ll pay you $20 an hour to come punch these houses out for me.” And I was like, “Alright, cool.” So, I started making more money than I’d ever believed, you know, possible for me to make at the time. And so well, then he started doing some shady stuff and we parted ways, while I’d built such a name for myself all the project managers started calling me saying, “Hey, will you go through our contracting process?” And I was like, “Sure.” So, they put me through a contracting process and the pay rate went way, you know, went higher. And so, I looked at that and was like, dang, this is crazy. Well, I did that for two years and then I hired my first person. And what was happening was, in that transition, the music business started making me a little angry and I wasn’t desperate for it anymore because the construction business was providing for my family way better. [MELISSA]: Yeah. [DEREK]: Like, this is crazy. So, my wife was working 55 to 60-something hours a week. I’d only worked three days a week because I was staying home with my son – he was a newborn at the time – I was staying home with him. And she went to go work full-time and I was only working three days a week, which were her off-days. And we did taxes that year, I made 7000 more dollars than she did, only working three days a week. She said, “bump this, I’m coming home” and she literally, the next day, put in her two weeks’ notice, and “you’re gonna go do this six days a week.” I’m like, “Okay.” And then I was still touring and playing around town, and something just had to give, because I cancelled a family event and I really wanted to be there, in this show, the promoter canceled the last minute, the night before, didn’t tell us. We showed up to the show and they were like, “Hey, the promoter cancelled this, just the night before, you know, but it’s Nashville, somebody will show up”. We ended up playing for one person because nobody promoted the show. I mean, because the venue told me… I asked them six weeks ahead of time, “hey, we need to know what bands are playing, who’s promoting it, like, we need to get the flyers up and we need to promote it”, they were like, “No, Belmont’s doing that. All the students at Belmont, they have to do this. It’s for a grade, they’re doing it. Don’t worry about it. Let them take care of it.” Well, we get there to the show, they say “Belmont canceled last night”. I was like, “Well, how come you didn’t call us and tell us that?” and they were like, “Well, you know, we figured it’d be alright. You know, it’s a Friday night, Nashville, whatever.” I was like, “Dude, nobody’s going to be here. I don’t want to unpack my stuff.” And he just insisted. “Okay, yeah, cool man.” Well, so, we played, one person showed up, and I was furious. Well then, he started calling, bad mouthing my name around town, or the band’s name around town. Never before in my life had I wanted to find a way, just an excuse to get the guy to swing at me so I could beat (inaudible) out of him. And I was so angry, you know. I forgave that dude too, don’t worry. [MELISSA]: Okay good, I was gonna ask. [DEREK]: But I was so angry, you know, it was like, and that’s when something started clicking. I was like,” I’m not desperate for this anymore. This is just a lot of stupid stuff happening.” You know, like, this is not… I should be way further along than this, you know. And so, what happened was, I called a mentor friend of mine. He goes, “Dude, if it was going to happen, with all the opportunities you’ve had, it would have happened by now. And I was like, “You know, you’re probably right, I probably need to move on.” And so, that next week, I called my band and just said, “Hey, look, you guys are gonna start needing to look for new lead singer”. I gave them a little while and they toured around town for another year with that lead singer, and he just couldn’t hit the high notes like I could. And the songs were written for my voice, I wrote most of the songs, so they stopped playing too. But, because I quit that, my construction business exploded, and it went from 68,000 to 320 in a year. [MELISSA]: Wow. [DEREK]: The next year, 2016, we went from 320 and we quadrupled in size, and it was just crazy. And then we broke 1.2 million the following year. 28 people working for me with 14 different builders. It’s just a really cool story. And that’s what happened. What happened was is that I was so grateful for the success that I look back – people say, “Don’t look back”, you know, and I get that, but sometimes it’s okay to look back to see how far you’ve come – and I wanted to look back to see what it was that triggered my journey to success, and that’s where this book really came about because when I stopped performing, I was really depressed because it was like, I felt like God had given me this message, but I’ve lost the platform to tell it. And then that’s when I felt the pressure to start writing it in a book, really, five years ago. And when I got to the part in the book that I said, “Look, it sucks what happened to you, and it wasn’t right, and I know it hurts, but if you want to move on to a better place emotionally in your life, you have to get over it.” And when I said that, like, in my heart when I wrote that, I was like, “Dude, I’m gonna offend so many people saying that” and I was so afraid to offend so many people that I just put it down for two years. And then I had two guys, two mentors of mine, really good friends of mine actually too, now. They both, we were in a mastermind together, and they both stopped me mid-sentence “You’re writing a book?” and I was like, “Yeah” and then he’s like, “Whoa, wait. You stopped writing it why?”, I said because of this, and they said, “Hold up.” Like, they said, “Do you believe it?” I said, “Absolutely.” And they said, “Well then write it, because there’s always going to be a critic.” [MELISSA]: Yep. [DEREK]: And so, that’s what kind of got my rear end in gear in the last year and a half, and I’ve been able to finish it this last year, so. [MELISSA]: That’s amazing. So, the part where you say, “You have to get over it”, that’s the part that really got you stuck? [DEREK]: It didn’t get me stuck. I was so afraid I was gonna offend so many people that I just put it down. I completely put it down for two years. And then these two guys, you know, Tommy Breedlove and Tom Schwab, were the two who, I don’t know if you know who Tommy Breedlove is, he’s the author of the book Legendary, his book just went… Oh, yes! [DEREK]: …Wall Street Journal and New York Times bestseller. [MELISSA]: Yes, I’ve heard of it. [DEREK]: Yeah. Good friend of mine. So, him and Tom Schwab are to blame for this book. [MELISSA]: We can blame them. [DEREK]: Yeah, blame them. Yeah, that’s good. [MELISSA]: I find that interesting though, that even, you know, someone like you who has this amazing story and journey and who has overcome so much, it still made you stop and just not move forward, even though you’ve moved forward through so much and created this business and everything, that still made you go, “woah, I don’t know.” And I think so many people can relate to that, that are listening, that there’s this one thing in their life that’s like, “Yeah, this is cool, but I don’t know, I don’t want to step on any toes, I don’t want to hurt anyone.” [DEREK]: Right? And that was the part of me being abused when I was younger, you know. And, too, like, every time I ever pushed my opinion on somebody, it always ended up in a fight in the hood, like 100% guaranteed I was going to end up throwing fists with somebody. And so, I just stopped giving people my opinion. And really, Tommy Breedlove gave me this great exercise. You know, we were in a mastermind together, and he said, “You know those feelings are what got you here, those feelings to be the peacemaker, and stay away from confrontation.” And he goes, “Those all are what got you here.” He goes, “But do this exercise,” he said, “Take those feelings, write them all down, thank them for getting you where you are today and tell them you no longer need them, and then either burn it, you know, let it wash away in a water or river or something.” And that’s what I did. I had a stream, luckily, here that I went and kind of let it go. And that’s changed everything since then. Not like I’m running around looking for confrontation… [MELISSA]: Right. [DEREK]: But, you know, it was so therapeutic for me to like, you know what, you did get me here, those feelings, thank you so much for getting me here, but I no longer need you to, you know, get where I am in life. [MELISSA]: Right. What were those main feelings that you felt like you had to let go of? Or you did let go of, not that you felt you had to. What you did let go of. [DEREK]: Yeah, yeah. Timidity. Being scared of confrontation, because I’m, like, when I say I was in fights in the neighborhood, like, I can at least count 10. And it was like, you kind of had to do that to not be bullied and let people know you weren’t going to be messed with. [MELISSA]: Yeah. [DEREK]: And it became to where, like, the last two people that I got involved with in a fight, I put them in the hospital. And that scared me. And so, I just said,” Look, you know, I gotta just stop pushing this opinion, you know, and I can only get into a fight if I’m having to defend myself. I’m not gonna, like, you know, it’s not what-I-said, not what-he-said, you know, that kind of thing.” [MELISSA]: Right. [DEREK]: That’s not happening. So, I was just scared of what was capable of. [MELISSA]: Right. [DEREK]: And so, that’s kind of where those feelings really came from, I was just like, you know, not wanting to, you know, two of those big things were the confrontation and afraid of offending people, because anytime I would offend somebody in the neighborhood, they’d come at me like crazy people. I mean, they would just come at me and so it’s like, “Dude. I don’t need to say something, you know…” so you’re always double-checking and double-judging what you’re saying, you know, what you’re fixing to say, you know? And so, that was one of the things that really, those two things, just timidity and afraid of confrontation. Then I read this quote by really, she’s a life coach. Her name is Cheryl Richardson. It says, “If you avoid conflict to keep the peace, you start a war inside yourself.” [MELISSA]: Oh, shit. That’s a good one. [DEREK]: Yeah. And, gosh, man, when I read that, I was like, dude, it hit me right between the eyes, you know, and was just like, that’s it, man. Like, you know, it’s okay to not want to offend people, but if you say something in love, so if I’m ever fixing to give somebody constructive criticism, I’ll usually start with, you know, “I love you, dude. But like, this is what’s gotta happen”, you know? And because I always want to let it come from a place of love versus anger or resentment or anything like that, which I’ve tried (inaudible) many of that these days. [MELISSA]: Right, I love that we’re talking about this because that’s one of the things that I have, like, really prided myself on with my online program and how I train and coach people is, I’m just raw, I’m real, which I know is probably shocking, right now, like “What? You are?” but, no, I totally get it of, like, coming from a place of love. But, you know, I, too, had a really interesting childhood and, you know, just trying to keep the peace and not rocking the boat and, if anyone did rock the boat… [DEREK]: Especially being a middle child. [MELISSA]: Yeah, right in the middle. And I learned that as I got older, become a fitness professional, and everything I do, and acting, it’s like, you don’t do anyone, especially yourself, any good by, like, sugarcoating shit. And that’s one thing that everyone knows who does work with me and train with me very closely is that like, I’m just gonna keep it real with you. You know, like, I know you think getting on that treadmill every day is really good for you, and it’s super good for your heart and your activity, but, bitch, you ain’t gonna lose 30 pounds by doing that, you know. [DEREK]: Right. [MELISSA]: I love you though. I love that you’re on that treadmill, but that’s not gonna work, you know, so. [DEREK]: Could be like a lot of people, they’re just misinformed. [MELISSA]: Yep, exactly, exactly. I find it just so interesting, too, how – and I’m learning more and more about this – how everything that you experienced as a child and a teenager and growing up, still affects us, and affected you as an adult and writing this incredible book. Isn’t that interesting and like, how it all comes out and it all is wrapped together and uncovering that and, honestly, going back to the whole forgiveness thing. [DEREK]: Hmm, well, I would like to tell your listeners what you’ve endured, what you’ve went through, matters. I mean, you just said it, everything that you’ve been through, you’re still you know, you’re using it. And that’s the difference between dealing with your past so it does not affect the present, because if it still affects the present, it will affect the future. [MELISSA]: Yeah, and people don’t get that. People just think it’s the present, it’s this present situation, it’s, you know, the current situation that I’m in, you know, what I’m dealing with, with my husband or my significant other, and the past doesn’t matter. Like, what I experienced as a child or a teenager doesn’t matter. And it’s like, oh, God, you’re so off-base. Tell me, why should I forgive? [DEREK]: Well, that’s the question. I was at this conference… Well, because, first of all, it comes from a place of anger and resentment, that question does. And what I really wanted to walk people through was the next question, because most people ask the next question, “But how can I?”, and that’s what I wanted to walk people through. And it wasn’t, it’s not a psychological approach. It’s a straight up journey that I went through, this is how I did it. And really, it’s because forgiveness is for you, trust is for them. Trust is for the person that you’re forgiving, you know, that that offended you, and that’s a lot of the thing that people don’t get is that I can preach to somebody but I’m still gonna let them treat me like a doormat. That’s not true, you know, that’s not deal. You can forgive them, but you don’t have to trust them. Now, there’s some situations where people need to earn their trust back, but if they’re taking advantage of your trust, they’re taking advantage of forgiveness, and they’re just gonna walk all over you because they’re gonna be like, “Hey, you know, she’s gonna forgive me. We’re gonna be good” you know? And at that point, you need to forgive them, but then you need to put a boundary in place for yourself. And that’s what I’ve seen in a lot of people is they don’t know the boundaries; they don’t have boundaries for themselves. [MELISSA]: Right. [DEREK]: “I’m not going to be treated this way, I’m sorry.” You know? And that’s where we see the result of that really starting to help people out, is when they realize that the trust part, you know, somebody steals $12,000 from you, you can forgive them, but you’re not going to trust them with a dime. [MELISSA]: Right? [DEREK]: You know. [MELISSA]: I love that you said that. The forgiveness is for you, not for them. [DEREK]: And you know, you’re not justifying what someone did to you, by any means, you know, but what you are doing is you’re allowing yourself to move on to a better place. So, I was running and I had this vision, right, so I do run every now and then, I haven’t done that much lately because of COVID-19, and I just work so much during the week now because we’re essential, so I was running and I got this vision, so I’m in this leaky French-style – I don’t know if you’ve seen Poldark, do you ever watch Poldark? [MELISSA]: No. [DEREK]: No? Oh, God, you’re missing it. Oh my God. [MELISSA]: Okay. [DEREK]: So it’s like, imagine Britain, and you’re in this castle, you’re in a leaky prison, so you know, so you’re behind the cell and you’re behind the gate, all of a sudden, this character starts coming to you and they’re dressed all in white, and the light is freaking following them. You’re like, what the heck, what’s up with this dude, you know? And they get to the door and you realize it’s you. And you’re like, holy cow. So, you get up, you go to the door, and they hand you this key and on the key is inscribed, when you run your finger across it, it says ‘Forgive’. And then, as you reach, you look down at the door, the key hole lights up, but then you put the key in the door and before you turn it, you look up and see all these people that have ever offended you, they kind of show up. And when you turn the key, they all start to disappear. And then you open the door and you walk out. So many times, because forgiveness, 100% of forgiveness, is a choice you make, because so many people want to hold on to their forgiveness until somebody is worthy enough to deserve forgiveness, and that’s never going to happen. [MELISSA]: Oh, you need to say that again. Oh my God. [DEREK]: You’re gonna hold on to your forgiveness until you feel like somebody is worthy enough to bestow it upon them, and it’s never going to happen, because they’re never going to be worthy enough and worthy enough to receive your forgiveness or earn it, you know. And you shouldn’t make them earn it. True forgiveness is when you give it away freely, you know, and that’s one of the things that, something has to die for true forgiveness to happen. And one of the things for me is, like, the thought of what could have been, you know, what would my life have been like if I still had my innocence? What would my life look like if I still didn’t, you know, or if I would have married that girl instead of this girl? Or what would my life have been like if I didn’t get a divorce? You know, and you have to mourn those things. You know, get by yourself, hey, you know, get out and have a good cry. I mean, I’m a dude, you know what I’m saying, like, I get frustrated, I get out and it brings me to tears sometimes, you know, but the thing is that you have to mourn what could have been. Once you mourn that, you can move on and set those boundaries in place for people if they need to be, but yeah, that’s kind of what this whole journey boils down to is realizing that forgiveness is 100% a choice, and that if you’re waiting for somebody to be worthy enough for you to bestow it upon somebody, that’s never going to happen. You have to give it away freely. [MELISSA]: Absolutely. I think a lot of people listening right now like, I always say this, like, light bulbs are going off, like, oh my God, just that one word ‘forgiveness’ can release so much. And I don’t think people mourn it, you know, like something has to die, like, you said, and it’s okay to mourn it. I don’t think people do that. I don’t think people make that connection, you know, of letting something go, mourning that life that you thought you were going to have, and being okay with it. You know, and how do you, how do I word this? Like, how do you suggest people… I’m totally worried this wrong. What’s your best advice to, like, mourning something and letting it go? Do you think it is good crying sessions? Do you think it’s writing out? Is it a combination of anything? Like, what did you do to, like, really know that you mourn it? Bless it, release it, it’s gone? [DEREK]: Well, one of the things is that I would do during that time, I was journaling a lot, like a lot, put my feelings out there and praying in this journal and that was one of the big things that helped me out, because in mourning, you know, you have to realize something what I said earlier about what you’ve endured matters. Sometimes you can take those things and, because some people want to take that and they want to play the victim card, so, “but you don’t know what I went through” or “you don’t know what happened to me” or “they hurt me in this this way and it cut me like a knife”, you know, and I get that. But when you come to a place, and this is what really helped me out, was what can any of us do about a second of the past? Nothing, right? Nothing. But when you come to the place where you realize, you know what, my parents did the best they could with what they had, based on the examples they were shown. So, my parents did the best they could with what they had, based on the examples they were given. And if you don’t like that, again, I’ll say, “I love you, but it’s up to you to change that.” And when you take responsibility, that’s when you take responsibility for your own life. Stop living your life as an excuse and make it a statement. [MELISSA]: Oh, I love that. [DEREK]: So, that’s the thing that really, once I mourned it and I said, “You know what, I’m going to take responsibility for my life and I’m going to move forward, no matter what goes on, what I’ve been through, what I’ve done”, you know, whatever it is. I mean, if you’ve reached out and hurt people because you’re a bitter, angry person, you need to reach out to those people and ask them for forgiveness to email letter or phone call, whatever it is, you know, you need to reach out to those people, because that will help you heal. Because what’s going to happen is, you’re going to find that most people go, “I didn’t even know you did that” and you’re sitting there holding and being, you know, kind of butthurt, so to speak, over that, and I’m not even thinking twice about that. [MELISSA]: Right. [DEREK]: This is why I say forgiveness is for you. [MELISSA]: Yeah. [DEREK]: You know. The thing is clarity, right? Clarity of mind. Your mind and your heart only have so much capacity for so many things. And what you’re doing is, you’re freeing up your heart and your mind to open up, to basically be open up, you’re setting yourself free, like I said earlier, to move on to a better place emotionally. And when you start forgiving people, you’re going to realize that it’s helping you out, mentally, spiritually, physically, your outlooks going to change, you know, even financially, you know, because you’re going to become a happy person. You can’t be a happy, grateful person if you’re bitter, angry, and resentful. [MELISSA]: Right. [DEREK]: And so, to me, that’s what I talked about in the book, too, is how gratitude and happiness are two different sides of the same sort of joy, you know, if you had a double-edged sword, so to speak. So, yeah, I mean, you can’t be that if you’re a bitter, angry person. [MELISSA]: No. And I think a lot of people… God, I can’t remember if this was the last podcast I was talking with someone, all the days are blending together now. But we were talking about how you have to really uncover, you know, what are you benefiting from it or how are you benefiting from holding on to that anger and not forgiving? And that’s always so interesting because a lot of people get offended. They’re like, “What? I’ve been hurt, you know. I have a reason to not forgive them. How could I possibly be benefiting from them and that situation?” And it’s like, well, if you really think about it, you know, you get to play victim. People get to feel bad for you. You get to hold on that story and then that keeps you from, you know, moving on and advancing in this and getting that, you know, so there’s a lot of different benefits that we get from negative situations and not forgiving. [DEREK]: And that’s one of the things that I talk about in my book is like, you know, it’s the whole woe-is-me syndrome. [MELISSA]: Yeah. [DEREK]: You know, and that’s one of the things that I talk about in the book is kind of like, if you stepped it out, okay, you got, like, these steps in this book. So basically, you would take them. The first one is wanting and needing a better life. So the difference between a want and a need, you know, a want is something that you would like to have, you know, something desired versus a need is that it is a necessity, I gotta have it, like, I can’t live without it, you know, and then the second thing is, is going with your gut. If you’re starting this journey, and all of a sudden, or you’re listening to this podcast and the name of a person comes to mind, that’s your gut telling you, hey, you need to forgive that person. [MELISSA]: Yep. [DEREK]: You need to either have a phone call or conversation. And know the forgiveness is not easy when it comes to somebody else. You can deal with it all day long and be peaceful about it but know that you run the risk of them not reciprocating when you’re asking for forgiveness, and that is okay. Because, why? Again, it’s for you, not for them. So, when you’re in that process of going with that, and that’s going with your gut, sometimes that’s looking around you and seeing who’s affecting you, like, who are your friends? And are they empowering you to help you move forward in life? Or are they hurting you, dragging you back? [MELISSA]: Right. [DEREK]: So, yeah. and then we’ll move on to step three, which is what I call Open Heart Surgery, where we deal with all kind of stuff. In Open Heart Surgery, you go with how to make an informed decision, because a lot of people don’t do that, because you go back to step one, which is wanting and needing a better life. If you define that, where am I going? Who do I want to be? Where do I need to go? Who’s that person? What do they look like? When you define that, you can use that as a filter for every decision you make. Is this going to help me be the person I want to be? Or is this going to not help me be the person I want to be? So, then you can take that and make a decision based on that as a filter. And then you can take, like (inaudible) said, taking responsibility for your own life, dealing with the self-critic, which is, to me, I like to use this analogy of taking the self-critic and firing them and hiring them back as a coach. So, what does a coach do and see? What a coach does and sees is they see you in the bad times, in the good times, they see you during the training, they see you during your mess ups, they see you during the wins and the triumphs, but what a coach really sees is they see your potential and they want to get you to that potential. [MELISSA]: Right. [DEREK]: And so, you know, your self-critic might throw out a negative statement. Thank you for sharing next time. I’ll put that in a note I’ll remind myself, you know, not to do that again, you know. A lot of the time, you just got to realize that that, you know, hey, it sees my potential and it’s trying to get me there, let’s make it positive. And then the cost of bitterness and how that hurts you, and then the waiting room. So many times, we get stuck in the waiting room and we’re just like, gosh, I want to be out of this phase where I’m just waiting. And sometimes that’s just telling people to take the next step and do the next thing. What’s the next thing if you’re heading in that direction? What’s the next thing you could do to help push you in that direction? And sometimes it’ll help you get out of the waiting room. And then fourth, I talk about surrendering the outcome. And this is, if you don’t believe in a higher power, you become basically what you’re surrounded by. And, to me, the most clarity and ability I’ve had to push through adversity is surrendering the outcome. So, when you want to have revenge on somebody that hurt you, oh, I’m thinking about it, I’m gonna run this person over with my car, you know. If you surrender that, so first of all, you’re forgiving that person and then you’re surrendering the outcome, you know what, God, I’m gonna let you fight this battle for me because this is just too big for me to handle. And at the end of the day, there’s not a lick I can do about controlling somebody, but you can, you know, and that’s where I’ll leave it. And to me, you know, one of the main things, and I talk about this in the book, was one of the times when my wife got diagnosed with cancer in 2016. She’s four years cancer free now. Thank God. [MELISSA]: Wow. [DEREK]: It was super rare. Only three in the United States have been known of what hers was. Three cases in the whole United States. [MELISSA]: Oh, my God. [DEREK]: Super rare. Yeah. And the doctor literally said, when we asked how she got it, they said “bad luck”. I was like, That’s rough, dude. [MELISSA]: Not what you want to hear. [DEREK]: Right? Totally not what you want to hear. But I looked, I went outside when we got diagnosed, when she got diagnosed, and called a bunch of my friends and I told them what was going on and for the first time in my marriage, you know, you want to be the knight in shining armor for, men do, for their wives. [MELISSA]: Yeah. And for the first time, I couldn’t go work more hours. I couldn’t go watch the kids more. You know, there was absolutely not a thing I could do to help the situation. And I felt helpless, hopeless, like, God, there’s just nothing I can do. Right? And what I did is I said, you know what, God, there’s nobody else that can do anything about this situation. Everybody else practices this and you’re the one who perfects it. And so, I’m going to give this to you, and that’s where I’m gonna leave it. And what that allowed me to do was, faith took over and I freed my heart of the burden and that allowed me to push through the adversity. I had 5, 6, 7 people come up to me and just say, dude, I had no idea she was going through that, man. If I wouldn’t have asked you, I’d had no clue that you were going through that. I was like, man, I was just… [MELISSA]: Cuz you surrendered. [DEREK]: Exactly. I was in a fight and you know what, I said I gave it to somebody who could do something about it cuz there’s nothing I can do about it. Yeah. And so, yeah, that was that surrendering the outcome, so that’s a lot of times… You know, I had somebody threaten to pull a gun on me one time. And this was years ago, we were going to hire this person, found out they were on drugs, and reneged, because I didn’t want somebody on drugs in my company, so I just let him go, he started starting all this messing around and my brothers happened to be at my house doing a job with me, and he’s like “I got something for them too”, you know, like, talking about his gun he had, and I was like, you know what, I’m just gonna stay away from that and I’m just gonna say, you know, God you’re on this one… But because he was running my name through the dirt with the family. And you know, I had a track record with the family, I’m a good dude. So, everybody started like listening to this dude, they’re like, what is going on with Derek, you know, all of sudden, all this stuff started coming out, like he wrecked three cars, you know, had a overdose, you know, this kind of situation. [MELISSA]: Oh God, yeah. [DEREK]: And so, everybody was kinda like, Oh, I see why he did that know. And so, it was just one of those situations I didn’t get mad and say I’m gonna go hunt you down because you threatened me with a gun? No, I’m just gonna let somebody else take care of that for me. And then moving on to the last one is gratitude. And you know, we’ve talked about that a little bit but the last chapter, I talk about what forgiveness looks like in a marriage that was headed for divorce, and that was my marriage. After 2018 you know, she was better physically. We had systematized everything in our business because I was working 80 hours a week before that. We were in survival mode and we thrived in survival mode. And when we got to this particular point where we systematized our business, I was coming home at like five o’clock every day. And we were starting these petty little arguments because we just didn’t know how to act. You know, I was never home at that time of day. [MELISSA]: Right, right. [DEREK]: And so, well, those acts got worse and worse, and those little fights, and finally, I was in the bathroom one day just I kept thinking for a month, just like, “Dude, what’s it gonna be like to come get your kids every other weekend? And what’s it going to be like to try to co-parent, you know? What’s it gonna be like to be out on your own, single again, what the heck?” And all of a sudden, this voice rose up inside of me and says “But you never wanted to do this to her, much less your kids. You love her.” And, whatever the voice was, God, you know, whatever. I believe it was God, but I just kind of put my armor on in that moment, and put my sword and shield on, and just decided I was going to fight for my marriage. So, I reached out to a marriage counselor. And we started our journey of counseling and what was so cool was like, I mentioned earlier, you being the middle child. [MELISSA]: Yeah. [DEREK]: And how you know, all the stuff that happens with that, a lot of time they get ignored and overlooked. And what’s cool about middle children, you can ask them a million questions, and they just love the attention that you’re giving them because you’re asking all these questions. And that happened, I learned about this through the birth order book in marriage counseling. [MELISSA]: Really? [DEREK]: Yeah, I did. And so, the first part was this family of origin, and it’s so eye opening, where you do your family of origin in front of each other, and the counselor’s asking the questions. And I would recommend if you go to marriage counseling for anybody, do somebody that doesn’t have any skin in the game, don’t go to your pastor, you know, or a friend or go to somebody who has no skin in the game. They’re not gonna hurt this relationship. You know, they’re wanting to help you at the end of the day. And so, basically what that boils down to is nobody’s going to be bias. The information you’re going to receive is not going to be biased towards one or the other. They’re going to call it what it is and so, the family of origin was so neat because you get to go through and see each other’s, how they were raised. Like my wife, her dad died when she was in ninth grade of cancer. And she had to turn into a mom. And that’s why she’s always a mom. And sometimes it bothers the stew outta me, like, I don’t need a frickin’ mom. I’m a grown dude. [MELISSA]: Yeah. [DEREK]: And it took the counselor to tell her he’s a grown ass man, you know? [MELISSA]: Right. [DEREK]: And so, you know, so that kind of happened. And then, you know, go into remembering your spouse is not the enemy, and that your spouse is a gift. And then I kind of found, through John Eldridge and Staci Eldridge, the three things that men need that I think women should understand, and they three things that women desire that men should understand. And men miss out on this because our freakin’ pride is ridiculous. And we don’t want to do work to see what our spouse is dealing with or how they react to things. And I would encourage you, if you want to be married any longer than 15 years, freakin’ figure this out. [MELISSA]: Right? [DEREK]: So, the three desires men have is they want to go on a great adventure, they have a battle to fight, and they have a beauty to rescue. And the three things that women desire is that she wants to be pursued/romanced, she wants to have an irreplaceable role in a great adventure. Guess who wants to go on the adventure? Well, guess who wants an irreplaceable role on that adventure? See what I’m saying? [MELISSA]: Amen. [DEREK]: And then the other thing that the woman desires is they desire to show the world what beauty looks like through their eyes. And so, when I learned that, gosh, my whole perspective and my relationship changed with my wife, because I remember so many times I’ve done so much hurt in my relationship, because I took her irreplaceable role away and it hurts, to this day it hurts because I see it’s still affecting her, sometimes, you know, decisions she makes and, you know, I just told her, for the life of me, I wish I could just go back four years and start there, like the last four years. Because the last four years I have this awesome track record, where everything before that I was involved in the music industry. [MELISSA]: Yeah. [DEREK]: So, we actually had that conversation recently. And so, yeah. And what was really cool about that is we went to this Weekend to Remember retreat. Another trick of the trade is, invest in your marriage a little bit. So, we went to this retreat, and at the end of the retreat, they gave us this marriage certificate, and they get to renew your vows. [MELISSA]: Aw. [DEREK]: Yeah. And I had no idea this was happening. And when it happened, you know, we were both blubbering idiots because, when we got married, you got to understand like, she was 19, I’d just turned 20, and our parents had designed for us to get married, it was ridiculous. [MELISSA]: Yeah. [DEREK]: We didn’t know what those words meant, sickness and in health, richer for poor, whatever, man. All right, whatever, dude, let’s go. But now, you know, we lived in section eight housing, my wife and I and my oldest son have, you know, but then, on the other side of that we experienced, you know, being wealthy, you know, and so, that richer for poorer situation happened, you know we went from poor to richer, you know, and same thing, sickness and health, her going through her cancer bout. I almost lost my arm in an accident at one time, it’s crazy. But no nerve damage or anything. It’s been awesome. But that’s the kind of thing, it’s like, those words had so much weight now. And at the end of it, she kind of said, “you know, I just want you to know, I still choose you,” and, dang, man. It kinda cuts you… [MELISSA]: No kidding. Just balling, you know what I’m saying. It was just, it was so cool. And yeah, so it was something that I was super grateful for the today, because that was the one thing that I had to fix in 2018 was my marriage. And by the grace of God, I was able to accomplish that. [MELISSA]: Oh, and we get to read, this is the last chapter in the book you said, right? [DEREK]: Yeah, yeah. [MELISSA]: Or, one of the chapters. [DEREK]: Yes, Chapter 10. And 11 is a challenge. So, yeah, Chapter 10 is the last meaty chapter. [MELISSA]: Yes, look. Oh my God, Derek. This has just been amazing. Like, I know people are just dying to know, where can they get this book? How can they find out more information about you? Like, you have to give us everything. If you guys are driving and listening, don’t worry. We’re going to put all this in the show notes, too. [DEREK]: So yeah, they can go to derekstone.online. My Facebook and Instagram feeds are there. And then you can grab a copy of, there’s a book on there, it says Book and you go down to pre-order. It’s out June 1, so by the time this publishes, it’ll probably be out on Kindle. [MELISSA]: Yes, this will be perfect. [DEREK]: And then the audio book. I have one session left we’re doing Thursday, so I’ll have the audiobook out as well. And the paperback pretty soon. [MELISSA]: Oh, cool. Any estimate of when that will be out? [DEREK]: The audio and the paperback will probably be out mid-June. If it comes out sooner, I might just throw it out there and kind of have a soft opening for the podcasters out there, because there’s four other podcasts that are going live in the next couple of weeks, so I might do that. I’ll just throw it out there. [MELISSA]: Yeah, by the time this airs and stuff, that’ll be like awesome timing. So, keep your ears and your eyes out for that, you guys. What is your Instagram? We’re big Instagrammers on here. [DEREK]: Oh, gotcha. @derek_f_stone. So, okay, F as in Frank. So, you can say that you know the Derek Effin’ Stone. [MELISSA]: Oh my God, I’m gonna say that all the time now. [DEREK]: Some people, when they’re struggling to learn my name, I’m just like, “Dude, my middle initial’s F, just be like Derek Effin’ Stone.” [MELISSA]: That’s right. [DEREK]: And they’re just like, “Dude, we’ll never forget that now. Dude, thanks.” [MELISSA]: Never! Never. It’s in there. Oh my God, I feel like I could just talk with you and hear your story and about your book and everything for just hours upon hours. Seriously, thank you. We are so glad that you could join us and tell us all about this amazing book and, you guys, we just got, like, crumbs. Like, you have to get the whole thing and read the book and then read it again. Like, if you’re looking for that summer book, this is it. I mean, we all can pick up the trashy crap, you know, and be entertained, but like, this is not only going to entertain you, but you’re gonna frickin’ change your life from it, you know, and actually learn valuable life lessons. So. Oh, Derek, thank you so much for coming on today. [DEREK]: Thank you for having me. It was a pleasure. [MELISSA]: Oh, yeah, this was a no-brainer. This was amazing. And you just shared so many different, like, just golden nuggets that are just going to help everyone just move forward and forgive and learn from that. And remember, forgiveness is for you. It’s not for them. I love it. I think that’s what I’m going to name this podcast. [DEREK]: That’s awesome. Well, my passion in life is to empower people to change their own situation. And I just, that’s what I love about this book and this new platform that I’m really, really enjoying is the ability to be able to help people get out of their situation and change it. [MELISSA]: Yeah, because we have the power to do that. [DEREK]: Absolutely. [MELISSA]: Oh, thank you again, Derek. I am looking you up on Instagram right now. We are connecting. We just became best friends. [DEREK]: Sweet. I am so excited. [MELISSA]: Oh, but you guys, make sure when you listen to this podcast, you rate and review it. It’s like leaving a huge tip in the tip jar. Share it with your friends. All the notes will be in the show notes, so you don’t have to worry about missing a thing if you’re driving listening to this. But thank you, Derek. Thank you everyone for listening. Until next time, stay safe, stay healthy, and we will catch you later. Bye. [DEREK]: Bye. [MELISSA]: If you’re ready to become a bomb mom, join my free course over at www.melissavogelfitness.com/course. This podcast is designed to provide accurate and authoritative information in regard to the subject matter covered. This is given with the understanding that neither the host, Practice of the Practice, or the guests are providing legal, mental health, nutritional, or other professional information. If you need a professional, you should find one.