Why do people let themselves go? What are the different types of confidence? How can you boost your self-esteem, confidence, and self-love?
In this podcast episode, Melissa Vogel speaks to Kimmy Seltzer about how to boost your confidence and self-love.
Meet Kimmy Seltzer
Kimmy Seltzer is a Confidence Therapist and Authentic Dating Strategist. With a vat of knowledge and experience as a therapist, certified style coach, dating coach, and matchmaker, she has helped people find lasting love and connection, attract success and build valuable relationships using her unique “confidence makeover” process.
Using an outside-in approach, Kimmy implements targeted style, emotional and social intelligence in people’s lives using her signature formula, “The Charisma Quotient,” working on body language, first impressions, image and messaging, and how it impacts attraction.
In This Podcast
- Kimmy’s story
- Why people let themselves not be bomb anymore
- Emotional intelligence
- The different types of confidence
- Tips to build your inner confidence
- Rebuilding and reinventing yourself after divorce
I twirled around like Cinderella and I looked in the mirror, and I couldn’t believe what I saw… I went from the mom to the bomb mom, literally instantly. And there was something that viscerally happened in my body and with my confidence.
Kimmy has bounced around between titles, from therapist and image consultant to dating coach and matchmaker, but she has settled on two titles that are more specific to the work that she does:
- Confidence Therapist – it places the focus on her clients/patients and their confidence and self-love, and how that contributes to the way other people see and love them.
- Authentic Dating Strategist – Kimmy draws on her experience as a dating coach to develop strategies and ways of breaking patterns, so her work is as more of a strategist than simply a coach. She does this by looking at the patterns in a client’s life that lead to undesirable results, and then she attempts to break those patterns by infusing targeted style, emotional intelligence, and social intelligence into their life.
In her own journey of finding self-confidence and self-love, Kimmy learned that there is a relationship between the outer and the inner – when you’re feeling good about yourself, you show that to the world in how you look and how you carry yourself. But this is also true for when you’re stuck in a rut or not feeling so good about yourself, as that also gets advertised to the world on your body. The latter can develop into a cycle of not feeling good, outwardly showing that to the world, and then feeling worse.
Why people let themselves not be bomb anymore
It happens to men too. Dads fall into the frumpy dad too, just as moms fall into the frumpy mom. It starts with that lack of sleep with a new baby, when you end up in survival mode and pay less attention to yourself, how you feel, and how you look. The lack of sleep starts a cycle or a snowball effect – you stop going on date nights and spending time with your partner, you start to forget about what attracted you to each other in the beginning, how you used to get dressed up for each other, etc. This looks different for different people and their situations because some parents have more help than others and some parents get the hang of it once they have more than one child, and there are those mothers that realize they can take care of themselves and still be good moms.
Beginner moms often feel like they have to put absolutely everything into raising their child, but the truth is that you have to take care of yourself and feel good about yourself first so that you can actually have enough energy to spend on the baby. Even worse is when both partners fall into complacency where they are both “letting themselves go”, just sitting at home eating takeaways in front of the TV instead of getting dressed up and going out, and probably not as attracted to each other as they once were.
I think that’s another danger with ‘mom syndrome’, right? Like, you think you have to do everything yourself because no one is going to help you. But the reality is, maybe you didn’t ask.
Kimmy teaches people how to identify feelings and communicate those feelings, both of which are related to emotional intelligence. This involves learning the vocabulary for different feelings so that you can identify what’s going on and so that you can express those feelings effectively, which a lot of people struggle with. Something that Kimmy sees a lot is that women, in particular, have been socialized to be the caretakers, so they push their own needs and feelings aside in order to take care of others.
The strategy to fix this involves learning how to express yourself and understanding that you are allowed to express yourself. Once you open up and get better at expressing yourself, you will probably find that people start listening to you and helping you, which frees up more of your energy to help those around you.
The different types of confidence
There is not one person out there who is completely lacking in confidence, because there are usually areas in people’s lives where they feel even a little bit confident. People often feel confident in situations or positions where they have the most experience or positive association. You’re not born with charisma and confidence, as it’s a learned skill, which means it can be taught and it can be learned. If you get some practice in those different areas where your confidence is lacking, you’ll get more experience and create more positive associations, thereby boosting your confidence in those areas. There are 3 different types of confidence, and you can rate yourself from 1 to 10 in each one and figure out where to start when trying to improve your overall confidence.
- Inner confidence
- Outer confidence
- Social confidence
Tips to build your inner confidence
Pick at least three things that you love about yourself in these four different categories:
- What you offer in a relationship
If you are someone who does not know your value inside, you might struggle to find three things to put into every box, so this exercise is a good way for you to figure out which areas you need to work on. Once you’ve figured those out, try each day to find one thing in that area that you’re proud of that day, a sort of “daily brag”. For this exercise and the daily brag, make a point to actually write it down, say it loud to yourself in the mirror, or even make a video of yourself saying it and then replaying it to yourself.
Rebuilding and reinventing yourself after divorce
After that one incident – divorce, a death, relocating, etc. – it could feel like you have to rebuild everything and reinvent yourself. Everyone is on their own journey and can reinvent as much or as little as they want to or they feel they need to, so it definitely depends on the individual. But, after getting married very young and then getting divorced, Kimmy is grateful that she was able to reinvent herself and start over in what she calls a transformation or a rebirth. She has been given the chance to do things that she could only dream of doing while she was married, and she got to work towards new dreams and new goals. 18 years after her divorce, Kimmy is very happy in a loving relationship of almost 6 years.
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Meet Melissa Vogel
Melissa Vogel is an energetic keynote speaker, business owner, certified personal trainer, certified group fitness instructor, 1st degree Black Belt in Tae Kwon Do, a mother of three, and a podcaster.
Melissa has been voted as the Best Personal Trainer for 2020 by Inland Empire Magazine, and Built the Busy to Bomb Fit Mom exercise system.
She is quickly becoming recognized for her expertise and influence in her field!
Melissa has contributed to numerous publications and has been featured in the Trail Blazer Magazine, and published in the April 2020 edition of Health Magazine. Her approach incorporates personal experience, energy, humor, and charisma.
Thanks for listening!
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