[MELISSA]: When it comes to keeping your practice organized, you want software that not only is simple but the best. I recommend TherapyNotes. Their platform lets you manage notes, claims, scheduling and more. Plus, they offer amazing, unlimited phone and email support. So, when you have questions, they are there to help. To get two free months of TherapyNotes today, just use promo code JOE, J-O-E, when you sign up for a free trial at therapynotes.com. Hey, what’s up everyone? If you’re looking to be inspired, motivated, educated, and entertained, you have come to the right place. Welcome to the Bomb Mom podcast, the podcast where we explore your fitness, life mindsets, and actions that help you become unstoppable. You’re worth it and it’s time to finally make changes in your life that will last you the rest of your life. Hello everyone and welcome back to the Bomb Mom podcast. Today we have a very special guest, her name is Trina Leckie and she is a breakup coach. Can you even believe that? That really does exist. She is the host of a popular podcast called Breakup Boost. She tells you what you need to hear and not just what you want to hear. She believes that sugarcoating only keeps people stuck and that a change in perspective has the power to change your life. Stay tuned, listen to the whole podcast because this can help you break free from a divorce, a breakup, a separation, anything, and just help you move forward and actually heal. Enjoy the show, you guys. Hey, everyone. Welcome back to the Bomb Mom podcast. Today we have the most incredible guest. We have Trina Leckie. Did I say it right? Leckie? [TRINA]: You did. [MELISSA]: I have this thing with like last names now on my show, and I screw em up so bad and I’m like, we’re just gonna keep it. I’m just gonna keep screwing em up. But today, I got it right. Trina, as you guys already heard in the bio, like, I’m just gonna call her The Breakup Queen, right? [TRINA]: Love that. I’m not going to be against that at all. [MELISSA]: Right. But in real life, like if we’re being adults, she is a breakup coach. Girl, I didn’t even know this existed. It probably could have saved me a lot of time and pain and heartache. [TRINA]: No, absolutely. Actually, when I came up with the idea, I didn’t even realize that there were already some other breakup coaches around. But I just really felt like, though, actually, the way I became a breakup coach, I found myself constantly encountering people who are either struggling with a relationship, going through a breakup, sitting on the fence about whether or not they should break up, or getting back into the dating scene and having a really tough time with it. I also found myself constantly offering advice and coaching friends through their heartbreak and dating episodes, and I was really good at it. So that’s when I decided to then kick it up a notch and start the Breakup Boost podcast to be able to help people, you know, around the world, basically. [MELISSA]: Yeah, so, okay, give me details. Like, what exactly is a breakup coach? Someone who works you through all this hard time? [TRINA]: Basically, one of the things after a breakup is it’s really not a good idea to go rely on friends and family, because they’ll probably just tell you things like, oh, you deserve better, you’re too good for them, they’re a loser, just get over it, there’s more fish in the sea, that type of thing. [MELISSA]: And that’s the first person we run to. [TRINA]: Yeah, totally. And you know, the thing is, too, they get sick of hearing the same stories over and over and over again, because especially women, you know, if there’s someone to listen, they’re going to talk for hours. But my mission as a breakup coach is to help people heal from the heartbreak instead of having it drag on for way longer than it has to. Because no one wants to feel that shitty for like, longer than they have to. And the thing with breakups is they can feel so overwhelming, especially at the onset. And it can feel as though you just can’t go on with your life, your emotions are all over the place, and this person is suddenly no longer in your life. You know, you think, oh my god, I can’t live without this person. You just don’t see straight, like, we know that’s not true, but your emotions are all over the place. And this is why it’s so important to have someone to reach out to, who understands their situation. And like I said, an unbiased perspective really, really helps. [MELISSA]: Right and I can see how that would help move forward faster. Because, oh my god, girl. I’ve been through some pretty crazy breakups. [TRINA]: Yeah, totally. [MELISSA]: You’re right, that pain can just drag on and on. And when you look back at it, you’re like, oh, my God, like, I need to get my shit together. This has been going on for like three months and it still feels fresh. [TRINA]: Yeah, no, exactly. And that’s the thing, when you’re in it, it’s so different from someone else. When you’re already past heartbreak, like, say you’ve already gone through a heartbreak, when you’re out of it, you forget even at that point how bad it was, but when you’re in it, it literally feels like someone died. It’s grieving… no one died, but you’re still grieving the loss of somebody. [MELISSA]: Yes. And they’re still alive and you could still run into them and see them… [TRINA]: Mmhmm, and they can date other people. [MELISSA]: Exactly. And you know what, like, one thing I have to bring up to you too, is like, social media does not fucking help. [TRINA]: Oh, my God. [MELISSA]: I can remember the days before all that, and in all the social media, you could like, stalk them virtually. And now, it’s like, if you’re friends with a friend of a friend and you see that friend’s story, or their snap, or you know, that doesn’t help, right? [TRINA]: Yeah. It’s the worst thing, and the thing is, the number one thing that people really struggle with after like, when they’re going through the breakup, is restraining from stalking their ex online, like, the constant checking, it just becomes a monster. You wake up, you’re checking, throughout the day, you’re checking, before you go to bed, you’re checking, you’re dreaming about checking, like, you know, [unclear]. [MELISSA]: Why? Why do we do this? Trina, why do we do this? Make us stop. Make it go away. [TRINA]: It just becomes this obsession to know what the other person’s up to, how they’re coping. Are they looking happy? Are they looking like they’re having fun? Are they seeing anyone else? You know, it’s just the constant questions and yeah, like you said, it was so much easier back in the day where, if you broke up with someone you’re like, I’m probably never gonna see this person again. And really, that was accurate. [MELISSA]: Yeah. Yeah. And it’s almost like this self-torture. [TRINA]: It is. [MELISSA]: Why do you think women do that to ourselves? Why do you think we do something that we know isn’t healthy, not good for us, and causes us pain? [TRINA]: You know, it’s this kind of thing where it doesn’t matter how much someone really reasons with you, you’re gonna do it regardless. It’s almost like if someone’s addicted to, say, drugs. Well, everybody knows it’s not good for you, but it’s an addiction, and you become addicted to that person, right? You want to know everything about them and what’s going on; you can’t let go and it’s hard for people to just accept that this person is no longer around. When you just have to try to start moving on, but it takes a lot of willpower and a lot of self-motivation. You have to just in your head, say, you know, I want to move on, what am I going to do to move on? If you’re just going to work against yourself, you’re going to stay stuck and you’re gonna like… the key is to get out of the pain and if you’re doing those things are just gonna stay stuck and be hurting so much longer. [MELISSA]: Yeah. Is this a big thing that you address in coaching? Social media stuff and stalking? [TRINA]: Oh, it’s huge. [MELISSA]: It’s probably like the whole thing. [TRINA]: Yeah. And I think a lot of people think oh, Breakup Boost is all women. And I know that your podcast is for women, but half of my clients are guys, and the thing with guys is that they don’t go and talk to other guys for hours on end about this kind of thing. So, they need an outlet as well. And yeah, the social media stalking, they go through all the same things. I think a lot of women would be surprised to hear that guys hurt just as much. You know, we always think, oh… [MELISSA]: I think you’re right. [TRINA]: Yeah, people always think, oh, they’re such an asshole, they just moved on. It’s like, if you only knew, like, I know firsthand, you know? [MELISSA]: Yeah, yeah. Do they seem to stay stuck as long as we do, as females? [TRINA]: Yeah, that’s the thing. Like, if they’re not following a proper way to try to get over the breakup; if they’re not following certain things, then yeah, they will stay stuck. And that’s why reaching out to someone like me helps, because then I put everything in perspective; I point out how they should really be looking at certain things and you know, what they should be doing to get their life… feel like they get themselves back again and get their life back on track. [MELISSA]: Right. Because I know all of our listeners, you know, are typically moms – we do have males and stuff. And then we’re gonna have a range of people that aren’t even a mom and they’re listening to this, and I know everyone’s probably gonna be asking, like, do they hire you? Do we hire this coach? And then, how long do you usually help someone through this? [TRINA]: Yeah. Well, they contact me. Well, first of all, most people get to know me through the podcast, which is awesome because they get to know my personality, they get to know how I think, and, you know, my… what’s the word I’m looking for? My approach is to be very direct, but in a compassionate way. And so, it’s almost like talking to a best friend. But, sorry, what was the question? I lost my train of thought with all that. [MELISSA]: That’s okay. I do that all the time. How long do you typically work with someone for? [TRINA]: Oh, yeah. Okay, so then they can contact me for email coaching or phone coaching. And so, if they’re contacting me, it depends on the situation. And sometimes, you know, if, for example, they contact me for email coaching, I go through like… I think a lot of people think it’s just some quick, you know, let’s type a few sentences back. But I spend at least a couple hours on each email, and I go through everything, like really, really analyze, and I don’t think they really get that from anyone else. And so, it’s to really open their eyes to the big picture, and then they have that email to keep referring, to keep them strong. [MELISSA]: That’s true. Oh, I like that, yeah. Because then you can reference that when you’re down, and you’re being hard on yourself, like, you have that to go back to like, oh, yeah, that’s right, Trina said that. [TRINA]: Totally. And so that’s what keeps them strong. I would say, just keep reading this whenever you feel weak. But if they want to call me, it’s kind of the same thing. It depends on their situation. It depends on the person. It depends on what happened. It depends on where they are along in the heartbreak and all these things, but my whole goal is to get you up and running as soon as possible. It’s not to drag this on and call me once a week for three months. It’s kind of like, let’s do this, let’s bang this off in as short amount of time as possible. And I think I’m really effective in it, because people say like, literally, they’ll just be like, I can’t live without this person, on and on. And then even for an email, for example, they’ll email me back and they’ll be like, oh my god, like what have I been thinking? I’m ready to start my life over. [MELISSA]: I love that. [TRINA]: Yeah, it’s amazing. Yeah. So, it just really depends. There’s no set time. But the sooner the better, obviously. [MELISSA]: I love that. One thing that I wanted to bring up and ask you about was, you know, the big shock factor when people get broken up with, or you have the conversation of… it might not even be like, necessarily a break up, where you’re like, okay, yeah, we’re done. And you’re like, what? It could even be just something as like, hey, you know, the whole ‘it’s not you, it’s me’ thing. Or like, I’m not emotionally available right now and I don’t want to hurt you in that way, but I still want to be friends. You know, like, all that. And we’re like, what? Where did this come from? And people are shocked when we get broken up with. Why are we so shocked? I mean, I feel like we shouldn’t be so shocked, right? [TRINA]: Yeah. Okay. So, the whole thing… Actually, just to give you an example: earlier today, I had someone message me and it started off with, the breakup came from out of nowhere. I’m completely shocked. And as soon as I see that because I’m just used to dealing with people, I’m like, okay, keep reading, you know? [MELISSA]: Aha, aha. [TRINA]: And then it was like, they cheated on me multiple times. Okay, well, then this isn’t shocking. This person is not a good person. So basically, yeah, it boils down to, I’ve lost count as to the number of people who do message me saying they’re completely shocked, they can’t believe it happened. Everything was so perfect. They never saw it coming. But then that’s when I dig a little deeper and I ask a few questions, and then suddenly the reasons, they just start spilling out, kind of like, when you have a bathtub full of water and you release the drain, all this water starts gushing down the drain. And then I’m like, okay, so what were you saying about having no idea what happened? But the thing is, I know why people do this; it’s because facing the music feels as though you’re admitting that the relationship wasn’t working. And verbalizing the issues out loud can be terrifying because you’re acknowledging to someone else that these problems exist. So then when all is said and done, it’s easier to just act shocked and keep hoping that it will just go away and things will just, you know, get repaired and go back to how they were. I totally get this, but I would estimate that while most people who are broken up with initially say, they can’t believe it, about 99% should have seen it coming if they’re completely honest with themselves. Sure, they may have been surprised that it happened on that particular day. But breakups, yeah, they don’t just come out of nowhere and so many people, they’re ignoring a million red flags along the way, you know, like, we have to pay attention to those red flags because it’s that same first red flag that you ignored or swept under the rug that’s probably going to be the reason why you broke up. [MELISSA]: Is there a couple red flags that go through your head right away when you’re talking about that? [TRINA]: Yeah. So, for example, if someone’s really shady with their phone, you know, if they’re always hiding their phone, or it’s always in their pocket… [MELISSA]: Oh, snap. [TRINA]: Always turned upside down. If you can’t reach someone after a certain hour, it’s kind of like, okay, where are they? You know, they’re not just going to bed and whatever. Just doing stuff like keeping in contact with exes and, you know, shady kind of Instagram behavior. There’s just so many. [MELISSA]: One red flag – and tell me if I’m correct or not – one thing that I’ve noticed before is like, the response time gets less. So, like, if you go back and you remember the beginning of the relationship, and it was like, message message, text text, like, boom boom. Like, coming and going like, alright, he’s responding, I’m responding. And then, over time you’re like, huh, yeah, that took a really long time to respond or like, shit, they didn’t even respond to that one, like, that’s probably a red flag. [TRINA]: Yeah, that can be a red flag. But also, that’s a huge part of just people not putting in any effort. You know, like, everyone’s so excited about the butterflies and the honeymoon stage, and then things just drop off. And that’s just pisses me off so much because it’s kind of like, how do you expect to still be happy and why are you so surprised this relationship isn’t working out if you’re not putting in any effort? If you’re not going on dates, if you’re not doing sweet things, if you’re not communicating, if you’re not working through things, of course, it’s not going to work out. And then the other thing that pisses me off is when people use selective urgency. It’s like, someone could be telling their partner for eight months, okay, this is a problem, you know, this is the problem, you need to fix it, and then suddenly they break up. And then that person is panicking to get the person back. Oh, yeah, no, I’ll do this. And then it’s like, you’re not gonna do anything because you had eight months to do stuff and you didn’t do anything, you know? [MELISSA]: Yeah, absolutely. And I think it’s, it’s… God, it’s so hard and so painful to admit when things are going wrong, because then that’s like admitting, oh, I’ve been doing things wrong. You know, I’ve allowed myself to be in a situation that’s not healthy. And no one wants to admit that. I deal with that with like, fitness and health and weight loss, but oh my god, it totally goes in relationships, too. I have to tell people all the time of like, dude, if you’re not losing weight, you’re doing something wrong and you have to take on responsibility. It’s not McDonald’s fault down the road that you’re overweight. It’s your fault. [TRINA]: Exactly. You know, taking accountability – that is so important. And you know, here’s an example: it’s so common for someone to, while they’re going through something, be so upset and oh my god, I can’t believe they’re doing this to me. And I can’t believe they did this to me again, I can’t believe they cheated on me for a third time; they promised they wouldn’t. It’s like, this person cannot hurt you if you’re not there to allow it. Why are you allowing this to happen? And I love that you used the example in the fitness industry. It’s the same thing, like yeah, if you’re not exercising, not eating well, what do you expect? Like, let’s take accountability for our lives and stop playing victim, you know, because that’s not going to get you anywhere. [MELISSA]: Yep. Oh, God, no one wants to take accountability for a relationship break up. But imagine how magical it is if you do. [TRINA]: Yeah, and the thing is, at the end of the day, it’s so important as well to be self-aware, because we can always blame the other person. Even if the other person did the majority of things, we have to look within ourselves and say, hey, what could I have done different? Nobody’s perfect at the end of the day, and there’s always things that we have to work on as individuals, you know, and the better we are as individuals, the better we’re going to contribute to our partnership. [MELISSA]: Absolutely, absolutely. Why… when people break up, there always seems to be a tendency to get back together. Or you think you want to get back together, or you know, I swear to God, I think social media affects that because you don’t really cut ties, and people still watching your story. And you know, there’s still like that connection. So, you don’t ever really, totally get away and then maybe the guy comes back around, he’s like, oh, well, you know, she does look pretty good. And then she’s like, well, I know he’s still watching my stories. And it just draws us back. We don’t actually get to cut it. When breaking up, why does it usually not work out? Very rarely do I hear people saying like, oh, we broke up, and then we got back together, and we lived happily ever after. Like, am I accurate on that? [TRINA]: Oh, 100%. I actually call this the carousel relationship because it reminds me of getting on a merry go round and going in circles. But yeah, breaking up and getting back together rarely works, because the same problems that were there before, and that contributed to the breakup, are eventually going to resurface. Even if people say that they’re going to do this or going to do that, and pleading to get the other person back, the truth of the matter is that old habits are really hard to break. People also hold on to resentment. Something like cheating, for example, who can really get over cheating at the end of the day? It’s very difficult. [MELISSA]: Yeah, yeah. [TRINA]: And people want to get back together, mainly to alleviate the pain of the breakup, and the thing is, they’re not looking at the big picture. They’re not being real with themselves. It’s not enough to just miss someone, you know, and I always say that loneliness leads to bad decisions. [MELISSA]: Oh god, it so does. It’s so true. You need that on a tank top. [TRINA]: Yeah, exactly. [MELISSA]: But it’s true, it makes us think… even something that was really shitty looks pretty appealing. [TRINA]: Mm hmm. And the thing is a lot of people too, like, it all boils down to confidence. You really need to work on yourself and rebuild your confidence because when people have low confidence, they settle for less than they deserve, and they struggle a lot more when it comes to moving on from their ex. You know, looking good and feeling great internally as well as externally will be motivating for a person and make them feel just more positive about life in general. And it goes back to that not feeling good about yourself. So many people too, their online clicking, like on Instagram posts that say, I love myself and, I deserve better and all these things, but then they’re not living that. It takes a lot more than clicking ‘like’; you have to live it. It goes back to actions – actions are louder than words, right? [MELISSA]: Yep. I had a client that… she was new to me and she had just come out of a terrible breakup, like, found out he was cheating and it was just messy and she’s with him for so long, and just the sweetest person. And I was like, when you’re here with me and these four walls, like, it’s just you and me. You are focusing on you and getting better and stronger. And it was weird because like, I’m no breakup coach. I’m a fitness coach, but it was like, I slowly got to see the transformation happen. That self confidence that you’re talking about, the stronger she got, you know, our conversation didn’t revolve around him as much and that’s so true. The more she put into her, the less she cared about him. [TRINA]: Yeah, exactly. When you’re feeling good about yourself… I always talk about like, for example, when someone goes and gets their hair done at a salon, if you compare when someone walks into the salon versus when they’re walking out, it’s like a night and day difference. It’s that confidence. And I also talk about revenge body because you know, everyone says, oh, revenge body after you break up, you know, go get your revenge body. Everyone should be maintaining themselves all the time. You should always be feeling your best and ready to go. You should never have let a relationship, or a bad relationship, ruin your body. Right? [MELISSA]: Yeah, yeah. Let it motivate you and inspire you after. [TRINA]: Yeah, exactly. [MELISSA]: Make sure those intentions are truly for you and your self-love. Absolutely. What are some key tips to help us to move forward from a breakup? Can you identify any, like, A, B and C for us? [TRINA]: Yeah, sure. Well, definitely sticking to a regular routine is so important, You can’t be sleeping in all day and then you can’t be going to bed at five in the morning. It’s not good for your brain, it’s not good for your body or anything. So, sticking to a regular routine and getting that sleep. Working out every day, as you know, and you can speak to that – there’s nothing like endorphins that that are going to give you that boost of positive energy and just the calmness, you know, so I think starting your day off, if you can, in the morning, with a workout is amazing. But as long as you get it in somewhere during the day. If you need that… there’s even times you know, say, I’ll just be feeling crappy, and you feel like you’ve got to peel yourself off the couch and I’ll force myself to go out for a walk or anything, and I’m just like, oh, thank God I did that. [MELISSA]: Yeah, yeah. [TRINA]: So, you just have to be disciplined, you know, the whole thing with discipline, it’s not that you’re just always dying to go work out. It’s doing things that you need to do even when you don’t want to do them. It’s because it’s gonna be for your own benefit. And I think creating a vision board is a really cool activity to do at a time… after a breakup or a divorce. You really want to focus on having goals; something to work towards. [MELISSA]: I like that. Okay. [TRINA]: Yeah, we’re the happiest when we’re accomplishing things. It’s not just… people think, oh, if you’re off on a beach on that vacation, that’s when you’re the happiest. You’re actually – it’s proven – you’re happiest when you’re accomplishing things in your life. So, focus on your goals; your ex is technically now in your past, but you have your whole future ahead of you. So, what do you want that future to look like? What do you want to attract into your life and it’s all about getting that positive mindset, and believing in yourself and having hope and faith in the future? You know, it kind of excites you. And when you have that to look at all the time, that’s just a great reminder. Like, that’s what I want in my future and then you start to see things come to fruition and it’s just like, wow, this really works. So yeah, you get hope for yourself. You don’t feel any more like your ex is your end all to be all, because when you make your ex your whole world, then when you go through a breakup, that’s why people often feel like their whole world imploded. Because, you know… you need your own life going on all the time and your own goals and things that make you happy. You can’t just have a life with your partner. [MELISSA]: Right. And I think that’s important to mention too, even not just boyfriend and girlfriend, like, marriage. It’s so important to keep yourself going even though you’re married, and we’re taught and told like, oh, honor your husband. Put him first because then he’s gonna put you first, and then we make our whole world our husband and our children. And then when the rug gets pulled out from underneath you, you’re like, oh, fuck, like, who am I? [TRINA]: Yeah, totally. That’s just such an old school mentality. I feel like it’s so different today. The biggest gift women could give themselves is being independent. There’s nothing better. [MELISSA]: Amen. [TRINA]: Having your own money. When you don’t have your own money, that’s why women are feeling stuck. I hear from women all the time – it’s heartbreaking – and they’re like, I don’t want to be in this anymore. But I can’t do anything about it; I have no money; I have kids, like, all these things. There’s always a way out, but I can see how you would end up feeling super stuck. [MELISSA]: Yeah, yeah. And I don’t think… I don’t know, people are probably gonna get mad at me for saying this, for being sneaky. But I don’t think there’s anything wrong with having a separate bank account that he doesn’t have access to. It’s just yours and that you put money away, every now and then, and just leave it. [TRINA]: Oh, yeah, for sure. Like, yeah, I’m not married, but if I ever was, I wouldn’t feel a need to have a joint bank account. Because, yeah, like I have my own money. I’m independent. I don’t need to ask you if I can go buy a shirt at the mall. You know what I mean? [MELISSA]: Right. I think that’s really important for women to have. And I don’t think it’s sneaky. I don’t think it’s wrong. I don’t think it’s, well, we have a joint account and I have access to his money – I hate it when they call it his money – his money. But I would feel wrong that if I had another account that it’s my money and he can’t get into it, like, bitch, no. [TRINA]: No, and that just shows like, don’t be a pushover, and don’t be a doormat. And you know, the more you stand up for yourself as a woman, the more you’re demanding that respect. The women that are doing that, they’re not getting respected at all, and they’re just being pushovers. You don’t want to be that woman. And a guy who can’t handle a woman who stands up for themselves and speaks their mind is not the guy you want to be with anyway. But that goes back to taking accountability again. Yeah. [MELISSA]: Absolutely. Absolutely. So, I have a quick… I have a question for you, not a quick question. Could be a long question, I don’t know. So, there’s always that first encounter. Like, when you see the person that you broke up with, or you’re in a relationship with or whatever. How is the best way to handle that? You know, the first time that you run into him at the bar or the nightclub, or like the kid pick up at school, or you know, the play that you both had to be at the same time, if you were married, like, do you have any tips of how to handle yourself at that moment? Cos it’s gonna happen. [TRINA]: Exactly. It depends a lot too about how the break… why the breakup happened, and also how much time has passed. If it’s really fresh, it’s gonna be a lot more traumatic, so to speak, then if it’s been a year or whatever, you know, like, feelings dissipate. The longer that time goes on, you’re not gonna care as much but if you’re still at the point where you’re feeling… you get that anxiety if you see them or whatever, I think the best thing really is to, well, if they did you dirty, just ignore them. You don’t owe them anything. You don’t owe them a hello or any of that shit. You don’t owe them anything, just keep going. [MELISSA]: They didn’t do your dirty. It was just like a ‘it’s not you, it’s me’. [TRINA]: Yeah, you can just be cordial. Say hello, you know, just know in the back of your mind, keep it classy, just feel good about how you presented yourself and how you handled yourself and go on about it. Don’t feel that you have to sit there and have a conversation with them or have a drink with them at the bar. No, just do what feels comfortable for you. Because like I say, it’s different for everybody, but just do what feels good. You know, sometimes we just don’t know how we’re going to handle those things until we’re in the moment, so we could plan something… and the thing is, too, you could end up seeing them with someone else. So that’s gonna, you know, trigger you a lot more too but in those cases, I would say just keep going. You don’t really need to sit there and address it, and then put yourself through that and go home and cry about it and all that. Just know too that that initial sting – you’re not going to have to go through that again. You have to go through that one time, but then you’re going to be okay after that, like, you’re going to accept it, and it’s just going to be normal. But I think a lot of the issue with all that is the anxiety leading up to when is it gonna happen? I think that’s the worst part. [MELISSA]: Yeah, and we don’t have to worry about something that hasn’t even happened yet. [TRINA]: Yeah, no, exactly. But it’s easier said than done. [MELISSA]: So easier said than done. That’s right. That’s right. Do you have any tips for us, to leave us with? Things that we can do to get over these breakups. Do you have any like, you know, top three or something, of just tips to help us just move forward and past this breakup? [TRINA]: Yeah, definitely. So, focus on what really went down; be honest with yourself and focus on all the dirty, nitty gritty things that happened. So literally write down, make a list, and write all these things down. For example, you know, on this occasion this happened or on this occasion, they said this to me or on this occasion, they cheated on me, or like, make a really detailed list of all the bad things that happened. [MELISSA]: I like that. [TRINA]: Yeah, because people are just focusing on the great, happy memories and oh, they said they wanted to marry me. They said… well, where are they now? That doesn’t mean anything, right? And then, I also say next to all those things, itemize how those things made you feel so you’re gonna end up with things like depressed, stressed, anxious, unworthy, unloved, all those kinds of crappy feelings. So, then you’re gonna look back on that list and be like, what the hell am I sitting here crying over someone like…? It ends up making a person feel really pissed off after a while and the thing is, we don’t want anyone getting, like, sticking in an angry phase, but if you’re angry for a while that’s good, because that’s gonna help you get over it. It’s way better than sitting and crying and fooling yourself into thinking, oh, my god, it would have been so great. We would have been doing this and… you know, like… [MELISSA]: Oh, hell yeah. [TRINA]: Let’s focus on… You got to be real with yourself. And then, no contact is the main thing. No contact is the key to moving on. If you’re always in contact or connected on social media, they’re always going to be top of mind, you know, making it near impossible to heal if you’re really struggling. So that includes no texting, no calling, no emailing, no social media stalking, like we talked about. No looking at photos. A lot of people think oh, no contact is just not communicating. No, it’s a total detox. So, I always say, think of it like a sugar detox. No sugar, no ex, right? Just, you got to go into full detox mode. And ideally, you want to block them so that you’re not always on high alert. You know, when your text alert goes off, oh my God, is it them? It creates so much more anxiety and it’s constantly keeping them top of mind because you’re literally waiting there for them to reach out. So, you know, a lot of people aren’t ready to do that though because they rationalize it as being like petty or immature if they’re not ready to do it, but they’re really just not wanting to close that door and except that their relationship is over. But blocking is really important. You’re doing it for yourself. That’s all you got to focus on after a breakup, is yourself, and prioritize yourself. [MELISSA]: But Trina, what if he has my sweatshirt still? [TRINA]: You know what the best thing for that is? If you really need that sweatshirt back, like, if it’s your favorite sweatshirt, just literally text and say, you know, please mail it to whatever. [MELISSA]: Mail it. I love it. Good idea. [TRINA]: Honestly, that’s the best thing because when people start… people almost start to look for things that they left at the other person’s house. It’s a reason like, if you really are over it, just tell them to mail it or honestly, just buy a new sweatshirt. Is it really that worth it? I don’t know. [MELISSA]: Just let it go. Yeah, I’m sorry to interrupt you. But I was laughing, and I was like, thinking of all the things that probably a listener would be thinking. [TRINA]: Yeah, I know. And that’s good. That’s what people want to hear. Exactly. And then also, the most important relationship that you can have is the relationship with yourself. So, it’s all about working on yourself after that. It’s not sitting by your phone. It’s not waiting around and thinking, oh, when are we going to get back together? It’s work on yourself. And when you’re working on yourself, you’re going to be so grateful that the breakup even happened. We always look back and say, oh, my God, what was I thinking? Why was I so upset over this person? And, you know, it always happens that way. You just have to have the faith that this didn’t work out because it wasn’t supposed to. You’re being redirected to something else so much better. It’s just, people are so afraid of the unknown and the unexpected, but I always say, that’s the beauty of life. If we knew everything, then it wouldn’t be that exciting. Right? [MELISSA]: Right. [TRINA]: So, yeah, there’s so many great things out there. And then you fall in love again with someone else, you know, like, it’s just the way life goes. So, I always say… oh, yeah, this is a great thing. Go with the flow of life. That’s kind of my motto. I always think, if this isn’t working out, it’s for a reason. So, go with the flow of life and don’t force things. Because when you’re forcing things, you’re wasting time. Essentially, you’re just wasting your time and you’re doing yourself a disservice at the same time. [MELISSA]: Trust in that process. [TRINA]: Yeah, exactly. Trust in the process. [MELISSA]: Oh, my God, this was so helpful. This was awesome. I know we’re gonna get so many comments on this episode, and I cannot wait for it to go out and everyone to hear it because it’s a real thing. It’s a real topic. [TRINA]: It’s something that everyone deals with. A lot of people are surprised, they think, oh, you know, I’m in my 30s or 40s, and I’m going through a breakup and I still need help. It’s like, no, there’s people… I’ve helped people from, like, 18 to senior citizens, and it affects everybody around the world. It’s something that’s universal, right? [MELISSA]: Oh, totally. [TRINA]: You can’t dodge it, like, you’re gonna experience it. It’s something that everyone in the world is going to experience in their lifetime. It’s really important to have the proper tools and support to get through it, you know, so that you don’t, like I said, so that you don’t have to stay stuck and also, don’t feel alone. Actually, can I just end on another thing here? [MELISSA]: Absolutely. [TRINA]: People always say, oh, I’m alone now, I’m alone. And that drives me crazy because you’re not alone, you’re single, right? If you’re off alone, like, you’re not off in a dark cave, millions of miles away from civilization, right? You’re single and you have… the grass isn’t always greener. There’s so many people who are in relationships that aren’t even happy. So, enjoy your life and become the best version of you that you can possibly be. And when you’re feeling that great about yourself, you’re going to attract the same back. Because like attracts like. So, I think that’s really important to know, because so many people… it’s almost like, they feel almost embarrassed if they’re single, or ashamed. Single’s a good thing, own it, make the most of it. [MELISSA]: Absolutely. Trina, this was awesome. Okay, how can people find you and get ahold of you? Let us know, where are you at on social media and stuff? [TRINA]: Social media: I do most of my social media on Instagram @BreakupBoost. I’m also on Twitter and Facebook – Breakup Boost as well, so it’s pretty straightforward. And my website is breakupboost.com and that’s where they can order email and phone coaching as well. [MELISSA]: Perfect. So, Break Up Boost? [TRINA]: Yep. [MELISSA]: Got it. We can find you everywhere. Oh, I love it. I love it. Oh, my god. Thank you so much for coming on today. [TRINA]: Oh, thank you for having me. I’m honored to be on your podcast. [MELISSA]: And we would love to have you back too. [TRINA]: Oh, any time. [MELISSA]: I think this is just a topic… and I think too, once people hear it and have comments and questions, like, I think it’s totally gonna lead into a part two. [TRINA]: You know what we could actually do? Yeah, we could actually do a like a Q&A and then both give our input. That’d be really fun. [MELISSA]: Oh, that’s a good idea. [TRINA]: There’s endless topics, you know, so anytime you want me back, I’ll be back. [MELISSA]: Endless. Yes, for sure. Oh, let’s do it. Let’s do it. Oh, thank you so much, Trina. You guys, make sure you find her and follow her at Breakup Boost; website, social media, everything. Thanks again. You guys, love yourself enough to be able to move forward, to have that confidence and to embrace singlehood if you’re there, and to just embrace life, even if that’s not with someone else, like, that’s okay. We learnt that from Trina. [TRINA]: Exactly, exactly. And just stay positive; if you’re positive about everything and find the silver lining in everything, you’re golden. [MELISSA]: You’re gonna be good. Absolutely. Oh, thank you, Trina. Thank you everyone for tuning in and we will see you all next time. [TRINA]: Bye, guys. [MELISSA]: If you’re ready to become a bomb mom, join my free course over at www.melissavogelfitness.com/course. This podcast is designed to provide accurate and authoritative information in regard to the subject matter covered. This is given with the understanding that neither the host, Practice of the Practice, or the guests are providing legal, mental health, nutritional, or other professional information. If you need a professional, you should find one.